anti-climatic *sob sob*

hhmmmfff... i was full of energy and vibrance today after all that hype that happened at the opera house and my encounter with edward... but... i guess its when u hit the peak of a specific emotion... the natural thing is to go down.. and i just felt extremely down by early evening....

i was assisting a ballet class... demonstrating as usual to the students in the class... suddenly something hit me... it hit me hard... i felt my mood just went so low that there is no way i could pick it up again... i was extremely upset and down.... i thought to myself... I WANT TO PERFORM... i want to dance and perform on stage for audience. but no way will tat ever happen... its upsetting... for, the next step that i was planning to do, was to either do my MA, which is completely theoretical, or teach, which is hardly considered performance... hence there is no possibilites of me performing on stage.. and i just feel so sad, for, performing has always been what i aimed and worked towards... not teaching...

hmmmf.... i dun feel any better after spilling out my feelings... in fact... it made me see the fact even more clearly that i will never get a chance to dance in a company, to do pas de deux, to do repertoire, etc... it's so difficult for me to accept the fact that... i've to let my passion and dream go...

if only... i can set up my own dance company, doing things that i lurve.... and passionate about... choreography and performance.... if only.... unfortunately... my loved ones will not be able to comprehend my passion and would urge me to be sensible and do something that could at least put food on the table.... hmmmf....

havent felt like tis for a long time...

cant remember when was the last time i felt the same way as i was today... it was uplifting, and a great deal of mixed feelings.. i was excited...nervous... uncontrollably happy, speechlessly shy (very unlikely huh..but yes.. it happened...) but nevertheless.. i got home in one piece...
it made my day... i wanted to run away... there was not an ounce of courage left in me, my feet were like jelly and my voice was lost... but i hang in there and managed to get through this long awaited moment....

it was very very pleasant.. he was so soft spoken, gentle and calming... simply amazing... he looked so sharp... but yet he is like a really soft, gentle angel... bless him... :) share my joy :)
well.. i know he is not exactly a good looking chap... but... he look like a dracula... dun u think... and i like draculas...hahahah and i like gaunts..hahahaha

oh and p.s... i cant help it but i have to praise the texture of my hair.. hahaha gosh.. its so silky and shiny under the circumstances of the hard london water, and screwed up weather... hahahaha.. and by the way.. i dun use any products... and i dun rebond.. hahahah.. i am so pleased with my hair.. hahahaha (gosh... have to stop praisin myself)
*pixie* in lala land :P

SENSATIONAL DANCER

more pix of this sensational dancer...
this is my fave pix... :P
ed wif makeup before a show i reckon




MacMillan's My Brother, My Sisters. He was phenomenal!!!!

his latest work: castle nowhere... dun u think he look like DRACULA??? hahaha i like
Wayne McGregor's Qualia.... he was simply unbelievable in it.. the way he moved... i think only he could move it like tat....

hot flavor of the month: EDWARD WATSON

fine dancer... his talents are finally recognised! I am so pleased to witness wonderful work coming from an outstanding individual.
known for his flexibility and ground-breaking (not literally) leaps...

oh.. saw him in action yesterday... at a rehearsal at the royal opera house... it was very up close and personal. he was dancing with zen (another hot fave dancer of mine). he had a porcelain complexion, most gentle and soft expression... he looked like a fragile kid that u would just wanna cup ur warm hands to his cheeks... argh.... and the way he moves.. gosh.. his hyperextended joints are definitely my cup of tea.. hahahaha these are obviously what i like in a dancer... not to most ppl in this field... hyperextended elbows, a big NO-NO, and soft frail looking face in a male dancer is clearly a No-No i suppose...

but edward has a set of sharp.. very very sharp facial features... but through these sharp features, there is an immense capacity of softness to balance that sharpness...

looking forward to his performance next friday... can't wait... i hope there are dvds of him.. and i regret missing his performance as romeo in r&j... i believe he is fantastic... for i feel.. romeo is a role where the male dancer had to be 'soft' and romantic.. and not a strong bravura dancer...

well.. he is definitely my dancer of the month, and the many months to come... at this moment, roberto and him... top my charts! :)

on the verge of tears....

just came back from a nite of breath-taking performance by the royal ballet. they performed Romeo & Juliet. Juliet was danced by Darcey Bussell, and Romeo was none other than Roberto Bolle.
roberto has always been my top fave dancer. no other male dancers are better than him, well..none that i have seen could match his immaculate technique and versatility in dance expression and acting. he is literally the perfect dancer. darcey, as everyone would regard as their favourite ballerina, but not for me. i felt, she is too commercial, and being a royal ballet school trained dancer, she lack the acting skills to shine in dramatic roles. however, having said that, she took my breath away today...
when darcey first appeared on stage, i was skeptical about her performance, wondering how can a mother of 2, bring out the essence of a 16 year old Juliet. indeed, she managed to do it. she is a tall lady, but she managed to express herself to be smaller than what she is, and brings out that innocence in her. i was utterly impressed.

anyway.. back to the performance. firstly, they are the royal ballet, hence i dun see a point of watching so much into their technique... for god's sake they are the royal ballet, they ought to demonstrate amazing leaps and multiple turns and neat intricate footwork as required in the repertoire... hence i focused mainly on the facial expression of the dancers. which i personally believe, a dancer is a juxtaposition of a mastery in acting, music and sports. dancing is not just doing movement, spinning, jumping and doing steps as told... its' that extra X factor that a dancer should have, to make one shine and stand out from the many....

i have seen so many ballets, live, videos, dvd, and so many different version of romeo and juliet, and by different casts... before tonite, i thought tamara rojo and alessandra ferri were the most perfect juliets... well... they are... however, their romeo were not strong enuff artistically to bring out the best in them... (which i have seen, tamara rojo wif carlos acosta and david makthelli, and alessandra ferri wif angel corella, julio bocca, etc.. alina and johan.. ahem.. not even close to any comparision...) i am always critical of what i see, and i watch and learn of all the different limits each dancer can stretch... i have never ever been moved to tears by anyone's performance, apart from tonite... tis performance by roberto and darcey is breathtaking... they literally took my breath away and the rest of the cast, were so involved in their own character, it was believing that each and everyone of them grown a passion for their character...
as an audience, i felt a sense of communication from the dancer to me.. it's to the extend that.. through their expression, i can feel their pain, joy, playfulness, innocence, and anger...

and roberto as romeo is perfect. his warmth and passion for juliet seemed to illuminate the entire stage, and transmitted through sound waves to the audience ( i cannot speak for everyone, but myself as an audience, i could feel it... and it felt extraordinary, and indescribable)

after watching it... i thought... well... it's shakesphere.... but in the 21st century... will we ever feel that intense love and passion? and when we finally felt this magical force of intensity, will it stay for long, or is it just a one-hit-wonder? well... i hope i can feel it again one day... i would love to find my romeo one day... be touched and swept off my feet... hahaha dun we all wish to be juliet now?

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love and be loved in return."

*pixie*

feelin downstairs today...

today has been such a slow and polyester day.. feelin downstairs whole day :'(
hmmmf...
the weather was sunny and nice today.. but it didnt lift my mood...
went to harrods today... got a lil' gift for my dancers, as a thank you thing... for they are performing in my choreography tis cummin thurs...
so excited and nervous....
went to waitrose to get my fave chocolate chip cookie.. damnz... sold out... ARGH!!!!!!!!!!
so sian... the day just get worse every second....

knacked!!! & HEINZ ARMY

phew.... i was so knacked yesterday.. had 3 ballet classes back to back... advanced level if u are askin... hahahaha seriously.. it was no kidding... by the time i got halfway of the 3rd one.. i almost collapsed... and.. i was dancing through pain in my lower back and left knee... they got worse by the time it was 3rd class... the pain in the back spread over a bigger surface area... had to do a cool down to stretch after class... my left knee, not the operated one (had an ACL reconstruction on my right) was clicking like mad... like one of those clicker where ppl use for counting flow of crowd... basically my left half of the body was quite retarded in the 2nd and final ballet class.... however... despite the imbalance in my body... surprisingly, i did triple pirouttes from 5th, finising in an open position ( I was surprised and impressed, heehee) then on another occassion, i did 4 pirouettes... hahahahaha... of cos i was thrilled... they dun happen every lessons, mind u... hmmf.. then i start to wonder... should i just work through pain the next time, for, it seems to make training more efficient.. OF COS NOT!!!! HEALTH AND SAFETY.... is what i SHOULD/WOULD say when i become a teacher.. but.. hahahah i will never do it to myself though... hahahaha like most would say: CONTRADICTION IS THE MOTHER OF ALL F@#KERS! hahaha...

anyway.. then later in the evening, went to watch london studio centre at the cochrane theatre. hmmmf... NO COMMENTS.... they could have been better if they stick to wat they are best at...

then went to asda... came to an aisle of HEINZ... i couldnt resist takin these pics...












havent seen so many HEINZ before in one go... dun u think they look like an ARMY of HEINZ.... hahahhahahahahaha my housemates thought i was weird... she said,"... gosh.. these are just some simple trival matters... and u get so excited over.. hahahah"
well... i am just a typical tourist... every moment is a KODAK moment *wink wink*

intense writing day

GOSH!!!... PHEW!!!! ARHHHH!!!!
finally.. finished most of my dissertation (just the first draft), i am just left with introduction and conclusion for the weekend to work on...
dedicated the whole day to my dissertation... heehee.. oh well.. i did rest a little, an hour of foster's in the afternoon seems harmless... heehee..
i realise that my energy seemed to be absorbed by the atmosphere around me... i feel so drained...

the other day, my housemates, lucie and claire were saying, that all of us are having so much school work to do... however, both of them would have their boyfriend over either every night or at least 5 times a week. (which sometimes do annoy me.. cos.. they are not paying for the rent and bills, but they are just living off us students!!!!) lucie said.. "as much as i know, i have so much work to do, but the thought of refusing charlie (her bf) from coming over is just too hard... also, even when he is here, its difficult to do work, all i wanted is to snuggle up and cuddle and stuff..." claire agreed. the latter find it difficult to do her work when her man is around. then i thought about what they said, and reflected onto myself.... i shared, " well, when my bf was around, he strongly insisted that i get my work done. and since my work area was downstairs in the living room, i wasn't allow to be in the bedroom till i managed to get some work done." lucie's and claire's reaction were envying that my bf wasnt a distraction and saying, " that's really good." i thought for a bit and agreed in a way... for, i am one of those people that occassionally need a little "AHEM AHEM" push... but sometimes... once in a while i do wish for a cuddle....badly... :(

nonetheless, its still good that he is strict and supportive with me... and i miss him ever so dearly...
sometimes seeing my friends with their other halves, i feel a bitter pain in myself... not so much of jealousy.. but more of envy... and sadness... gosh... its so difficult... but i have to be strong... hmmmf.... not easy man...

anyway.. i got to catch some sleep.... teaching tomorrow. very long day tomorrow... hmmmf...
nighty nite...

miffy miffy 老鼠

i was jus lookin at my friendster site... checkin out some of the pictures of my frens...
saw boey's and shan's pic... realised that i actually do miss them more than i thought i am... then... suddenly a phrase pop up in my mind: MIFFY MIFFY LAU SHU... heehee (shan will know tis.. heehee) then i look at those fun filled moment pics tat we took when they were here in london and when i was in eindhoven...
gosh.. if i hadnt had scruffle through the sale bins in H&M in early jan, i wouldn't had bump into shan and boey... and our frenship would not have up a level... well it did for me... it was always a treat when either one of them come to london... they are like my stress-relief, people that are very dear and made me laugh... damn... i miss them loads now...
anyway.. tis little post today is dedicated to those little 2 lurvebirds...
thanks to boey... my vocabulary of E ZOM ZOM, MY SALSA, and TER TER TERMMMM...and with shan there's MIFFY MIFFY LAU SHU MIFFY MIFFY LAU SHU MIFFY MIFFY LAU SHU...

silly me...typically me

its so typical of me...
my fren left a whole chunk of dried foodstuff for me before she went back to spore for good. one of the goodies tat she left me was a bar of kinder bueno. yums... my fren left in october 2005...
today.. i was looking for something to snack... and then i remembered that bar of kinder bueno beneath all the food stuff i have...
i opened it, there is 2 bars of chocolates in there. i bit 1/2 of one of the bar, the texture was not crunchy or crispy, it was in fact a little inflated. i thought perhaps it just needed to be in the fridge to be nice and cold.
hence i left it in the fridge... few hours later, i returned to have a nice big bite of the 2nd half of the first bar, and to finish off the 2nd bar. at that moment in time, i was chatting to the fren who gave me those foodstuff, with my ex flatmate on MSN. i notice a little whitish bit on the chocolate.. i thought perhaps its just the frosting from having it in the fridge, or just some vapour that settled on the chocolate when it encounters room temperature.
i munch off that half bit, as i was starting on the 2nd bar, i noticed that the crunchiness was still not there.. i didnt care... then i happen to see the expiry date on the packaging...
hahahahhahaha its so typical.. hahahah it expired last month...
but i thought since its a cold country here in uk, during winter time, it will be fine. told it to my ex flatmate... and i told her tat its probably vapour.. she said that it might be mould... i stopped eating it...... but by then, its only 1/2 of the last piece left....
i left it on the table so that i could bin it when i get to the kitchen. however... i forgotten about it... hours later i investigated further the 'mould'. hahahha however, the 'mould' was nowhere to be seen. guess i was right, it was just VAPOUR...
but i think.. i should try to check the expiry day more often....
*pixie*

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE-FIED

my room is so messy... my dissertation is just sucking my energy and blood level dry... i feel like a zombie..
HELP!!! i need somebody.... HELP!!!

saffy and the invisible color lipbalm

there is saffy... checkin if the lip balm tat i gave her is still on... bless her... hahahhaha... i told her its one of those invisible lip balm tat the color will begin to appear after a while... she was using her hands to feel the color.. awww...

therapeutic session wif doc saffy

*saffy starin at my cammie*
had a fun and enjoyable yesterday... i was in need of some therapeutic de-stressing... and saffy was the remedy... no doubts bout it... went over to nat's place (nat is saffy's mummie), played masak masak wif her.. then... once saffy is warmed up.. off we go to covent garden and chinatown... the little one needs her fishballs :) (so do i..)
once we got to the rowdy covent garden, with the many buskers and masked talents trying to earn that extra cash for rent, food, booze, or dope, whichever... saffy was terrified... she saw a fuschia furball giant (as compared to her little frame) standing about 5 meters away from her... she was crying to go home, and didnt want to stay anywhere near tat horrible looking 'monster' well.. he/it did look scary... even for an adult... can u imagine.. a giant fuschia fur man... anyway, we managed to get saffy to hide her eyes beneath her beannie, and we skidded off to Disney store...
once we were at disney store... she was all chirpy and happy again... she got excited by the fairy dresses/costumes... especially the purple outfit (i think it was tinkerbell's costume). nat managed to convince saffy that she will get it for her birthday... phew... then she was amongst the plush toys... hohoho... she is such a dearie... she was trying to carry plush toy, dopey (one of the dwarfs) but.. the toy was taller and bigger than her... and she managed to take at least 3 of the managable sized ones in her arms and said,"Look, i can carry them.. I am a strong girl!!!" hohoho.... then she lay these plush toys out in the walkway with cushions around them, and say," they need to sleep" awwwww....
then after that, we went to patisserie valerie (a lil' tribute to auntie val/valerie)... then after tea/lunch, we were off to chinatown to get fishballs... but the little one nap away through the crowds in those cramped smelly supermarkets.
once we got home... she still sleepin.. then when dinner time comes.. she was up and energetic... then as i was about to go home... she was combing my hair, and trying some new hairdos for me... i decided to take a pic of this little sweetie...
can't wait to see her again on tuesday...

somethin happie... happie bunnie

*yawn yawn* it has been a long long time since i last penned my whinges and complains...
anyway.. let's forget bout all the unhappie things for once.. and let me share something happie wif u guys... (if anyone is readin.. tat is...)
firstly... i am so relieved... tat i finished my choreography... well.. finished composing it.. and managed to deliver to my dancers... and the next 4 weeks prior to the big nite, is just dedicated to cleaning and fine-tuning... i am so very excited as well.. just in case, anyone is a bit lost...
briefly... i am doing 'choreography' as my elective for my final year in uni, and the dancers that i am workin with are my fellow classmates, who took 'performance' as their electives. i had to choreograph a 8-12 min piece, and collaborate with students on the BA Theatre Design at Central St Martin's. and the performance will be at cochrane theatre at holborn, london. i am so excited.. heehee... it's actually my 3rd piece of creation, but 2nd piece of work for public viewing... a little nervous and worried as well about the critics review as well.. they can be very very very critical... but it's alrite.. bring it on.. the more critical, the better..
so.. anyway.. today, i met up with Anna, the designer that i am workin with. she is brilliant.. i enjoyed workin with her.. i feel a harmonious connection with her.. no conflicts.. (yet???) well, we sort of sorted our costumes, lightings, backdrop, etc the next step is gonna be the MAKING of the props, etc...
well.. since i am in such a 'cashmere' mood... i gonna talk a bit more about my work.. hahahahaha... its really a silly idea when i first mention to anyone.. so.. i am not surprise if you think its an awful idea...
my piece is: CHOCOLATISM, briefly, its bout the psychological effects chocolate has on dancers, and how such effects are expressed through dance movement... ya.. dun sound too exciting huh... well.. basically, its just about the struggle and constraint (ballet) dancers usually experienced with this sinful indulgent... and upon consuming it... the effects such as joy, and pain, etc... well.. i'm not gonna say much..
then.. today i came across a pic from the zouk flea market website... it was a fren tat i knew since i was 13... and when i saw her pic, i felt like.. gosh... i havent stay in touch with her for ages.. not sure if she is keen on stayin in contact with me... but personally, i do wish we could still stay in contact... well, if she is readin tis now.. i would really appreciate if she could drop me an email, or a message.. it would just make my day :)
alrighty... gonna hit the sheets now.. its almost 2am now... 9am psychology lecture tomoro... :( i probably struggle stayin awake.. (just like the last few lessons... in fact, every lessons )
nite nite to all happie bunnies out there who are in happie mode today :)
*pixie*

hmmmf... haizz...

its an extremely long and tiring day... i am jus too exhausted for anything... its probably one of those days... my whole body was aching from the ballet class we had yesterday... and today was another tiring, stressful class, in a studio, which the floor is all bumpy and sticky.. not a good healthy safety place to practice ballet.. but oh well... not one single soul did anything to make it any better...
then came teaching... had to teach little children in grade 2 and 3... the teacher which i was assisting, forgotten the dance, i had to demonstrate.. countless times... and with those aching muscles, and tiredness... i had to force myself to look extremely eager and energetic...
then... got home... had a bit to eat.. was feeling more tired than hungry... argh!!!!!!!!!
this is going to be the most annoying, upsetting... depressing xmas.....
*pixie*

vivid dream...

good morning! its thurs morning here... 10.02am.. preparing to go for ballet class...
thought i should pen in something before i leave...
i had a dream last nite... it sounds simple, but the image is still vivid in my head. of cos i would want to maintain it...
it was sweet... it was one of those i want to have it stay in my mind, the drive i had in the dream.. was so different from real life.. hahahahah
anyway... they say dreams are opposite.. so... its probably true that its not gonna happen.
got to get preparing now...
ciao
*pixie*

.... hmmf....

its almost midnite... weather feel musky...
anyway.. i am stuck readin my psychology notes... trying hard to stay awake, to get the essay done. its probably an easy peasy job to everyone... jus a 500 word essay... but gosh.. the task of the essay.. (check tis out)
discuss the relationship of SKILL, ABILITY and TECHNIQUE and consider the implication of this for dance training.
see... not that easy huh?
i started my teaching placements this week. its like an internship, but my job is to assist a ballet teacher, for different grades. it is fun.. wasn't as scary as i thought it will be cos i thought, i am a chinese.. the kids gonna jus freak out at the sight of my face... but thankfully, it has been fun, and pleasant... but i felt a little out of place, when the teacher demonstrated in front of the class, and i thought i felt silly doing the same steps, when the whole class's eyes were on the teacher instead of me... so, what is the point of demonstrating with the teacher???
a little few whinging to go on, and after that i will be ok...
but the best thing of the day was my first rehearsal with my dancers, for my choreography... doing choreography was my electives, got my dancers to dance a little of my piece... its really rewarding in a way ( i am low maintanence, a little positive outlook, means a million to me.. ). the dancers begin to move out of their comfort zone. and are willing to try more stunts, etc. always good.... and today's dance class, i have a great but injury-prone time with andrea, rolling about on the studio floor, laughing and giggling. it was tremenduous fun... heard from luc, who was watching us, that andrea and i did a brilliant job, we had really good rapport, and we produced good poses, and movements. i am very pleased.
i wanna just throw my psychology, and start working on my dissertation and choreography.
ok.. i need to hit the sheets now...
ciao for now...
*pixie*

building up to first day

its annoying... its a bright sunny sunday out there... and i am stuck in my house, unpacking my luggies, and preparing for that dreadful first day of school.... it wasnt as bad last year... i guess this year is freaking me out... with the final year pressure, and the dissertation and the major project await me... i am worried that i will get all uptight like last yr....
right.. have jus finished with my luggies... am listening to muzik now.. looking for prospective muzik for my choreography major project... its bugging me!!!!!! i cunt find no sh*t!
where are the sparks in the muzik? where are the highlights? none watsoever... they are all boring, repetitive dull sh*t... not suitable not suitable not suitable!!!! none of them are inspiring!!!
any kind souls out there to compose a piece of music for me? something quirky and unique... and full of colours...
seriously dreading tomoro... first day of school... there will be lots of: blah blah blah.. all that tupperware sh*t...
when u hug someone... give it your 100% otherwise save it... dun jus give a hug tat is just plainly brush the fabric of that person's garment.. give a hug like u mean it... that is what relationship is all about... live everyday to its fullest.. u never know when that person u just hug seconds ago may be the last time ever u will see or hear from him/her... why dun people learn to treasure their lives?????????
ok.. i think i got too carried away... from whinging about 1st day of sch... to definition of hugs.. hahahaha i am going cuckoo....
anyway.. back to getting back to school.. tomorrow have to pick dancers for my choreography piece... tough tough tough decision... what am i gonna do?? damnit...
goin to get back to listen to muzik...
wish me lucks...
*pixie*

journey begins...

back in london....
hmmmf... jus got back from 2.5 mths of fun, food, love, and family... all sort of nice happie moments are gone.... back to 9 mths of sloggin, fighting.... and hard work...
the journey was almost smooth sailing.. apart from the big giant-sized caucasian beside me, who's upper arm was halfway into my seat, and his elbow was never removed from the arm rest.... also, his leg, was in my space, my seating area.... somehow, i was pissed off with him, invading my space... however, i sympathize him.... for his huge frame, he can only afford economy class, and he got put into a centre seat (i was on the aisle seat) in addition, the flight wasnt an easy short trip, it was at least 12.5 hours... and he had to squeeze himself in a chair that is jus 3/4 of his butt size and stay there for the whole journey... the amazing thing i discoverd, he is a camel.. not literally.... but he doesnt need to pee... the entire journey, he never leave his seat.... well i left mine, but when i am back, he is still in the same position.. since our seat are next to the toilet, i dont have to be in any Q to pee...
anyway... tat was one episode on the plane, i jus slept for 2 hours max... i cunt sleep... the guy's elbow was constantly in my arm...
anyway.. now, back in london.. the air is the same.. smell different from home.... my housemate is at home to welcum me, which is always good.. jus one of them, lucie. lucie is having insonmia recently......
i got to go prepare for my ballet class... before sch starts...
get back to tis soon...
ciao!!!